Guy of 60 went to the Doc. asking for Viagra because he was having
difficulty raising a hard to give the wife a real good f**king. Doc
examines him to find his heart is not strong enough to take the strain.
"What am I going to do, Doc" he says "she's a good 10 years younger than
me and if I can't perform I might lose her". "OK, OK," says the Doc, "
there's a new variant out now not quite as potent but 'on demand'. I
think you could cope with that, but only once a fortnight at the most"
"What do you mean 'on demand' Doc" says the old guy.
"Well", said the Doc," on the day you decide you to want to make hectic
passionate pure animal love, take the tablet give it an hour, say ONE
TWO THREE, and up will come your erection. And that will stay up as long
as you like. But you must remember that the reason it gives you an
erection for so long if you want it to is because it is excreted from
the body very slowly and that is why you can only take it once every
couple of weeks".
"That sounds frigging marvellous Doc, but how do I get it down again when
I've had enough".
" That's easy" said the Doc. "It's just like a Pavlov reaction.You say
ONE TWO THREE to get it up and because you are thinking 'get hard' it
gets Hard. On the way home practice in your mind saying ONE TWO THREE
FOUR and think soft, and it will get soft. It's very important you get
that sorted in your mind otherwise you could end up with high blood
pressure that will kill you. Do you understand this? Can you cope with
it?"
"I swear to God Doc, I swear to God. 1 2 3 4 soft. I'll practice all
the way home."
He drives home with his box of pills, practicing 1 2 3 4 soft.
"Hi, girly" he says getting home "How'd you fancy a slap up dinner some
fine wine and then an evening of love making in front of the fire?"
"Oh honey are you serious? Are you sure you can manage it? It's been so
long I can't wait"
"Patience my dear, patience" He says in his best W C Fields voice.
"First we change and eat"
He takes his pill during the meal and after chatting her up like the old
days she is positively begging for it by the time they get home. Going
into the den where the fire is, she frantically undresses and says "Show
me this Monster honey, show me"
"Watch this my love," says he, dropping down his pants. "ONE TWO THREE"
and up raises his manhood, just like old times.
" Gee Honey that magnificent but what did you say ONE TWO THREE FOr?"

Sunbeam

Four men went golfing one day : three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others, " My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home - - for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock brocker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio.

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I'm not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."

There was this boy who just had discovered masturbation. So every day,
he'd go masturbate behind the barn. One day his father catches him and
says, "Ah, son! You shouldn't be doing that. you oughta save it."

A week later, the father once again catches his son masturbating behind
the barn. "Son! Didn't I tell you to save it?" The kid answers, "Sure,
Dad -- I saved me a bucket full."
---------------------------
A pregnant woman is in the bank when it being robbed. A gunfight breaks
out, and she is shot 3 times in the abdomen. She is rushed to the
hospital. Miraculously, she is unharmed. After giving a full
examination, though, the doctor tells her, "I have good news and bad
news for you. You are going to have triplets -- but each baby has a
bullet in it. Luckily, they have hit no vital organs, and eventually
your children will pass the bullets naturally."

The woman has 3 healthy babies. Twelve years pass, and she had all but
forgotten the incident in the bank.

One day, the first child, a daughter, comes to her mother and says,
"Mom, the strangest thing just happened." The mother interrupts her and
says, "You passed a bullet, right?" The mother goes on to tell the
daughter the story.

A few weeks later, the second child, also a daughter, comes to her
mother and says, "Mom, the strangest thing just happened." The mother
interrupts her and says, "you passed a bullet, right?" The mother goes
on to tell the daughter the story.

Several weeks later, the third child, a son, comes to his mother and
says, "Mom, the strangest thing just happened." The mother interrupts
him and says, "You just passed a bullet, right?" The son says,
"No, Mom -- I was masturbating and shot the dog!"
-------------------------------
This guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you have to help me! My
penis is turning orange!" The doctor sats, "Well, what do you do for a
living?" The man replies, "I'm unemployed. I just sit at home all day
eating Cheetos and watching pornos."
-----------------------------
A cowboy is out riding when he encounters an American Indian lying on
the ground with his shirt open, buckskins down to his ankles, and a
perfect erection pointing to the sky. The cowboy asks, "Hey, what are
you doing?"

The man on the ground replies, "I'm finding out the time."
The cowboy says "Huh? How does that work? I've never heard of such a
thing."

The Indian says, "Oh, it's an old custom, but the white man could never
get the hang of it. See it's like a sundial. I can tell the time by how
the shadow falls."

"I see," says the cowboy. So what time is it?"

"About quarter to 11," says the Indian.

The cowboy thanks him and rides on. Some time later, he comes across
another Native, again with his britches down and an erection. mThe
cowboy asks the time.

"Almost 2:30," says the man on the ground.

"Thanks," says the cowboy, and moves on again. A couple hours later, he
comes across a third Indian, pants down with erection pointing skyward
-- only this guy is masturbating with great determination.

The cowboy says, "Hey, I met some of your buddies today, and they showed
me how to tell the time -- but what are you doing?"

He answers, "Winding the clock."
------------------------------
One day, a kid walks in on his brother and his girlfriend having sex. He
says, "What are you doing?" and his brother replies, "I'm playing poker
-- she's the queen and I'm the king. The boy leaves, not knowing any
better.
A week later, the boy walks in on his parents having sex and says, "Dad,
what are you doing?" and his father replies, "I'm playing poker -- she's
the queen and I'm the king" He leaves again, not knowing any better.

The next day, the boy's bother walks in on him masturbating and says,
"What are you doing?" and the kid says, "I'm playing poker." "Where's
the queen?" his brother asks, and the kid replies, "What do I need a
queen when I've got a hand like this?"
------------------------------
A repressed married couple could never bring themselves to talk about
"sex", so they always referred to it as "doing the laundry."

One evening, the husband was feeling romantic, so he suggests his wife
come upstairs with him, so they could "do the laundry." She declined,
saying she had a headache.

Later that night, the wife slid into bed next to her husband, and told
him she was willing to help him do the laundry now. He replied, "That's
all right, dear. It was a small load, so I did it by hand."
--------------------
Billy's father had a lot of guns around the house and was telling Billy
things about guns and how to take care of them, etc. Well, one day Billy
was in the tub masturbating, and his mother walked in just as he was
ejaculating. She stormed out, and Billy chased after her saying, "I
wasn't playing with myself! I was just cleaning it and it went off!"
-------------------------------
There was an elderly couple who wanted to have a child. They went to the
doctor, and the doctor told them they were rather old to have a child,
but he decided to test the man for sperm count anyway. He gave them a
jar to take home and told the man to produce a sperm sample and bring
the bottle back to the office.

Two days later, the couple went back to the doctor's office. The man
told the doctor there was a problem. "I tried with my right hand, and
then I tried with the left hand, but no results, "he said. "Then my wife
tried with her right hand and also her left hand, and she even used her
mouth -- with her teeth in and her teeth out -- but we still couldn't
get the lid off the jar!"
-------------------------------
OTHER ITEMS:

Opie and Anthony's ""Masturbata" song
(to the tune of Macarenna)

Sitting in my house, and I know that I'm alone,
feeling kinda horny, got a jingle in my bone,
go and grab a Penthouse, its the one with Sharon Stone
Hey Masturbata!

I go a little faster and its feeling kind of nice,
once ain't enough so I have to do it twice.
If you wanna spank the monkey, I can give you good advice
Hey Masturbata!

I use some baby oil or a little Vaseline,
laying down a towel so I keep my carpet clean
Never shake my hand cause you don't know where it's been
Hey Masturbata!

I do it in the car when I'm driving down the street,
one hand on the wheel and the other on my meat.
I can't get outs the car cause I'm sticking to the seat
Hey Masturbata!

Since I was a kid I have been a masturbater,
choke the chicken, hum the knob, squeezing the tomato
I've looked at Ms. Novenber now I'm gonna decorate her
Hey Masturbata!

Buffing the banana, Mr. Lizard shaking bacon,
pounding on the flounder and its mayonnaise I'm makin'.
Spank the frank, wax the carrot, god my hand is achin'.
Hey masturbata!
(Note: This song was written and recorded by opie and Anthony of
Boston's WAAF 107.3 FM.
However, there's a similar version of the tune by a deejay in Denver.
It's uncertain which is the "original copy."

A 40-year-old man goes to a drugstore, walks up to the girl at
checkout#3, and asks her, "Do you guys sell condoms here?" She says,
"Sure -- what size are you?" "I don't know" he replies. So she unzips
his pants, takes a feel, and then says over the intercom, "EXTRA LARGE
CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE. EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3." They
bring the condoms, and the man pays for them and leaves.

Then, a 25-yr-old man enters the store and walks up to checkout#3. He
asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?" She replies, "Sure -- what
size do you need?" He says, "Well, I don't know." So she unzips his
pants, takes a couple of tugs, and then says over the intercom, "LARGE
CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE. LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3." They bring
the condoms, and the man pays for them and leaves.

Seeing this, a 15 yr old boy who hopes to get lucky goes up to the girl
at checkout#3 and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah...do you sell condoms here?"
"Yep", she says. "What size do you need?" "I don't know," he shrugs. So
she unzips his pants for a feel, pauses, and says over the intercom,
"CLEANUP AT CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE. CLEANUP AT CHECKOUT 3."
--------------------------
Pinocchio had just finished having sex with his girlfriend, and he asked
her, "So..how was I?" She said, "Well, Pinocchio...I hate to tell you
this, but when we have sex, you give me splinters!"

Pinocchio was devastated. He went running to Gepetto, crying, "My
girlfriend says that when we have sex, I give her splinters! Is there
anything you can do?"

Gepetto says, "What you need, my boy, is a piece of sandpaper. Use this
once a day, and that'll solve the problem."

About a month later, Gepetto ran into Pinocchio on the street. "How was
that sandpaper I gave you?", he asked. "Are you still having problems
with the girls?"

"Girls?" Pinocchio asked. "Who needs girls?"
-------------------------
This guy has a pain in his arm and is about to see a doctor, and a
friend says, "You should try this machine down at the drugstore. All you
have to do is give it a urine sample, and it will tell you exactly
what's wrong with you." So the guy prepares a urine sample, goes down to
the drugstore, puts it in, and the machine spits out a piece of paper
that says, "You have tennis elbow. Rest your arm for two weeks." The guy
was thrilled and amazed, thinking this machine will revolutionize
medical science. Then he starts thinking, this thing is so good, I
wonder if I can trick it. So he goes home and makes a concoction with
tap water, some of his dog's feces, and his wife's urine -- and to top
it off he masturbates into the mixture. Delighted, he goes down tothe
drugstore and puts in the sample. The machine churns around for a
moment, and then it spits out a piece of paper that says, "First of all,
your tap water is hard. Second, your dog has worms. Third, your wife is
a cocaine addict. And fourth, you'll never get rid of that tennis elbow
if you keep masturbating!"
--------------------------
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms -- so they
have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right
wakes up and says, "I just had this wild, vivid dream of getting a
hand-job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, He's had the
same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's
funny -- I dreamed I was skiing!"
---------------------------
A guy starts his first day of work as the secretary of a sex clinic. The
head doctor is showing him around the place, when they happen upon as
man masturbating in the hall. "Whoa! What's going on there?" the guy
asks. The doctor answers, "Oh, he has the disease hyper-spematogenesis.
If he doesn't ejaculate at least 7 times a day, his testicles will swell
up and explode." So they continue the tour, and they pass a room where a
beautiful nurse is pleasuring a man orally. "What's going on there?"
asks the secretary. The doctor replies, "He has the same problem as the
masturbator -- but he's got better insurance."

[Please note: your testicles will not swell up and explode if you do not
ejaculate!]
------------------------
A kid is masturbating behind his garage. His Dad happens to walk nearby
and hears him. His Dad says, "Stop that, boy! It'll make you go blind!"
The boy shouts back, "Dad, I'm over here!"

A week later, the dad once again walks in on the boy as he is
masturbating. "I thought we had an agreement," dad sputters angrily.
"Well, says the kid, "I figured I'd just quit when I need glasses."
----------------------------
************************

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his
vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some
cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off."

Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack
has a wife and three kids, I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was
the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You
see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"

Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
************************
A man had passed his 30th birthday and was still not married, so his
father found him a nice girl, whom he married. Less than a month later,
his father caught him masturbating in the garden shed. "What's this?" he
said. "I thought you'd stop doing that once you got married." "But Dad,"
answered the son, "the poor girl's not used to it. Her little arms get
tired."
*************************
Two women always rode their bicycles together. One day, they decided to
take a different route. One of the women remarked, "I never came this
way before." To which her friend replied, "Must be the cobblestones!"
************************
A college professor had just finished explaining an important research
project to his class. He emphasized that his paper was an absolute
requirement for passing, and that there would be only two acceptable
excuses for being late: a medicall certifiable illness or a death in the
student's immediate family. A smart-ass in the back of the room waved
his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion,
professor?" When the students finally stopped laughing, the professor
responded, "Well, I guess you'll just have to learn to write with the
other hand."
*************************************************


*********************************************************
more later: Joe

I heard this old joke, only with a new updated ending:
This guy has been stranded on this deserted island for several years and this particular day he looks out and seeks something strange in the water. A few seconds later the strange thing turns out to be a scuba diver. The diver comes
on shore, removes the mask and it turns out to be a woman. The woman asks how long he's been here and he tells her 5 years. She also learns that he is the only one on the island. He is without clothes, and she asks him if he is hungry, to which he says yes, and she unzips one of those many pockets in the wet suit and pulls out a ham sandwich. He is surprised and chows down on it. Then she asks, you thirsty"
He nods, and she goes to another compartment and pulls out a bottle of soda, to which he amazed proceeds to drink. She notices that during all this time that he has had an erection and she says to him " Say you want to play around?" He then looks at her in complete amazement and says, " Don't tell me that you have room in that suit for a set of golf clubs?"

Or as the old version goes, that after he and she play around (the old fashion way) he looking at his limp organ, says " look what you'd done to my clam digger"

Got more but will be back later, EA

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Question: Do infants have as much fun in
infancy as adults do in adultery?
That's all folks, E A

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I remember not too long ago I found a couple
of jokes, in fact one of them I was intending to
send you but it was the same joke only with a
different setting. But I have two which I'm
I must send you.
1. Two women were discussing their sex lives.the first asked the second if she smoked after sex. The second thought for a second then replied, "I don't know, I've never looked".

2. An elderly lady went to the doctor. He asks her what is the nature of the problem. She says that she has terrible problem with flatulence, but strangely they do not have any odor or sound but she knows that while
she's been in the office , gas has escaped. The doc looks at her for a second then writes her a prescription and to come back in a week. She does and tells him that although she still is passing gas at least now she can smell
them. The doc then says, "Good,now that we've got your sinuses cleared up, we'll work on your hearing!"

I don't know if you still have a place for them but I just had to share them Over and out, Good health to all E A

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, then asks, "What's your occupation?"

The Woman replies, I'm a whore."

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a prostitute." NO, that is still too crude. Try again.

They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"

"Well," she answers, "I have raised over 5,000 cocks in the last year."

Henry

Two old men, George, and Frank, sit and watch TV every evening side by side. They hold each other's dick in their hands but arthritis won't let them do anything else. One evening Frank didn't show up. George went looking for him. He found him in another old man's room, watching TV with their dicks in each other's hands. George asks Frank, "What's he got that I haven't got?" Frank answers, "Palsy".

Jim

This guy goes into a bar carrying a medium sized suitcase. He puts the suitcase on the bar, opens it up, takes out a miniature grand piano, and a little man in a tuxedo. The little guy goes running to the piano and starts playing like mad. The bartender, who's taking this all in, says "Wow, that's great! Where did you get this?" The guy says, "Well, I found this magic lamp, and if you make a wish and rub it, your wish comes true. Here, make a wish." The bartender takes the lamp, yells out "I WISH I HAD A MILLION BUCKS!" at which point there's a flash of light and the room fills with smoke. When the smoke clears, the entire bar is filled to the brim with ducks. The bartender says, "Hey, what's all this crap! I said BUCKS not DUCKS!" To which the guy says, "What are you squawking about! Do you honestly believe I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

Ron

A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"

"Hi," he said, "your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."

"Well then", she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"

He replied, "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Two couples went on a camping trip. After they pitched their tents they decided that the guys would sleep in one tent and the girls in the other.

During the middle of the night Joe woke up. "I have to get to my wife!" he said. "Why?" said Pete. "To have sex, I just woke up with the hugest erection i've had in forty years!" said Joe. "Well," Pete asked, "Do you want me to come with you?" Joe looked puzzled "Hell no! Why on earth would I want you with me?" "Cause," replied Pete, "You've got my dick in your hand!"

Joe goes into a tattoo parlor on Main St and says to the tattooist " I want you to tattoo a picture of a $50 bill on my peter"

What an unusual request, thinks the tattooist and says to Joe, "Why do you want a picture of a $50 bill tattooed on your peter?"

"Well" says Joe "I like to feel $50 in my hand. I like to watch my money grow and best of all it's $50 I don't mind my wife blowing!"