This man is dreaming. He dreams that he dies and goes to heaven. He is out side the gate talking to St.Peter when a good looking blonde walks by. The man can't help himself and says" Damn, I'd like to f**k a girl like that!" He catches himself and apologizes to St.Peter. St. Peter says" son, no problem, this is heaven, if want to have sex with her go help yourself." The man runs and catches the girl and they go behind a cloud.
The man comes back a little later and starts talking to St. Peter again when a good looking brunette walks by. The man looks at ST. Peter and St.Peter tells him" this is heaven son, go for it." The man comes back and resumes his conversation when a good looking redhead walks by. St. Peter says" go for it, this is heaven.
The man returns once again" St.Peter this heaven is great, but where is the bath room, I need to go bad. St. Peter tells him" son just go behind a cloud" the man goes behind a cloud and comes back with his pants around his ankles" St.Peter there is no toilet paper!" St. Peter replies" son just pull off a piece of cloud and use it" "OK" said the man and heads back to the cloud"
Just then the mans wife wakes him up "what the hell you doing" screams the man "I was having a good ass dream" "Me" she yells back" what are you doing, you've raped me three times, shit in the bed and now you're trying to wipe you're ass with my pillow!"

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."

The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...7... 8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doin' just great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with all those watermelons!"

The little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, everynight I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him". His mom is taken by surprise and says. " Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "That won't work." His mom says, "Why?". And the boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

 Click here for humor in court

A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a
monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles he asks the driver what the
monkey is for.

The driver says "I'll show you" and with that he hits the monkey with
the back of his hand sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.

The monkey goes down between the driver's legs, unziips his fly, pulls
out his pecker and proceeds to give the trucker head. When finished,
the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything
back and jumps back up on the dashboard..

"See that" said the trucker.
The man said "Yeah".
The trucker asked the man "You want to try it?"
The man said "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"

================

A gay couple are driving along one afternoon, and while stopped at a
stop sign, they are rear-ended by a big semi. Furious, the guy in the
passenger seat throws his purse on the seat, gets out of the car, goes
back to the truck and starts banging on the dooor.

The truck driver opens the door and the gay guy, standing there with
his hands on his hips, says
"I'm gonna sue your ass, Buddy!"

The truck driver, being a truck driver, laughs and says, "Suck my dick!"

The gay guy stands there for a second, then his eyes get real big and
his face just lights up. He runs back to the car, and says excitedly to
his lover, "You won't believe it, he wants to settle out of court!"
E.A.

=============

Here is a TRUE anecdote about Neil Armstrong...
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon,
he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for
mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic
between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.
Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic
remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival
Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either
the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good
luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL, while answering questions following a
speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong.
This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil
Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the
backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in the front of his
neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky
shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid
next door walks on the moon!"
True story.

=============

Great Packaging, Great Technique. Just One Little Thing...
A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar in Newark, thinking about his
wretched life, when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of
some ugly schlep. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to
discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night,
amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.
The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up
again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches
her.
"Is it true you're a prostitute?"
"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"
"I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there."
"$100? For a handjob? Are you nuts?"
"You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and
sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for
that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth
it."
The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves
with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This
hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable
life.
The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up.
When she does, he immediately approaches her.
"Last night was incredible!"
"Of course it was. Just wait til you try one of my blow jobs."
"How much is that?"
"$500."
"$500? C'mon, that's ridiculous!"
"You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks out
front and sees a 12-story apartment building.
"I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blow jobs.Trust
me, it's worth it." Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for
it.
He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints
twice.
The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up.
"I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some
pussy?"
She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street,
where between the buildings he can see Manhattan.
"You see that island?"
"Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"
She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!"
EA

=====================

 A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist for some Viagra.
"Sure" said the pharmacist. "How many would you like?"
"Oh, I think about 4 or 5 would be enough because I'm going to cut them
in quarters anyway."
The pharmacist was puzzled and informed the man that taking only a
quarter of a pill would not dohim much good.
The man replied, "Look, I am 81 years old and I don't want these pills
for sex, I want just enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

Don

===============================

This is too good to not send you, and yes we must stop picking on Mr. Bill.

POSSIBLE TITLES FOR MONICA LEWINSKY'S NEW BOOK
I Suck At My Job
What Really Goes Down In The White House
How I Blew It In Washington
You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President
Clear and Present Boner
Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule
Going Back for Gore
Podium Girl
Secret Services to the President
Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton
Deep Inside The Oral Office
The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions
She's Chief of MY Staff!
Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes
How To Beat Off the Government
Going Down and Moving Up
How To Get A head in Business
Me and My Big Mouth
and my personal favorite............
I Wore What You Did Last Summer

O.K. now grab hold of yourself! EA

===============================================

George's Physical
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came
back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks
great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at
peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so
he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to
the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the
light goes off when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he
said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call
because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets
up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and
then (poof!) the light goes off?"
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!
EA
=========================================