Mike B
A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast
enlargements. He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower,
rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby doobies... I want
bigger boobies.'" She did this every day faithfully and after several
months, it worked! She grew great boobs!
One morning she was
running late and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had
forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and
didn't want to lose them, so right in her seat on the bus she
said, "Scooby dooby doobies... I want bigger boobies."
The guy sitting
beside asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why,
yes, I do. How did you know?"
"Hickory dickory dock.".........
One year, Joe decided to buy his
mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next
year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he
replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last
year!"
Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a doctor, one was a
lawyer, and one was a biker. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said,
"You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring
and a new Mercedes. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring,
she will at least like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied, "Well, on my last
anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas.
I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and
she would know that I love her."
The biker then took a big swig from his
beer, and said, "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a T-shirt
and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the T-shirt, she could go fuck
herself."
Fred: "So, how's it going with the ladies?"
Joe: "Women to me are sex objects."
Fred: "Really?"
Joe: "Sure. Whenever I mention sex, they object."
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Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died
yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from
repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies
in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including
Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty
Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Cap'n Crunch and many others.
The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend,
Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a
man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was
filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart
cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still,
even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have
two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50
for about 20 minutes.
George was driving home one evening and realized that
it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought
her a present. He drove to the mall, ran to the toy store and asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"
The Manager replied, "Which one? We have 'Barbie Goes
to the Gym' for $19.95, 'Barbie Goes to the Ball' for 19.95, 'Barbie Goes Shopping' for $19.95, 'Barbie Goes to the Beach' for $19.95, 'Barbie Goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95, and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."
"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?," George asked surprised.
The Manager replies, "Well, 'Divorced Barbie' comes with
Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's
cat and Ken's furniture."
A wife hands her husband a silk handkerchief and asks him: "Doesn't this
belong to your secretary?"
"Where did you find that?" he stutters.
"I didn't," she answers. "The mail man found it on your nightstand."
EA
Three guys were on a trip in Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a
harem tent filled with over 100 of the most beautiful women they have
ever seen. They started getting friendly with a few of the women. One
thing leads to another, and soon all three men have had sex with several
of the women. Suddenly the Sheik enters the room.
"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except
me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be
punished in a way that corresponds to your profession."
The sheik turned to the first man and asked, "What do you do for a
living?"
"I'm a Cop," said the first man." Then we will shoot your penis off!"
said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked, "What do you do for a
living?"
"I'm a Firemen," said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis
off!" said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And what do you do for a living?"
The third man answered, with a grin, "I'm a Lollipop Salesman!"
EA
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